why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
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We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Namaste
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
🙀🙀🙀😹
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.