Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Cats are still liquid.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲