The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
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ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?