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Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie