-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
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Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles