Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
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Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.