I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
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[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?