I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
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It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.