recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
You Might Also Like
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that