Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
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For when Tinder doesn’t work
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”