I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
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I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you