If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
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People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no