“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
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Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
How do you like your Corgi?
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.