HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
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Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I hate everything
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?