everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
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Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
You can’t rush stupid.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.