“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
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“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
*weighs self after shaving
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now