we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
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The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
house sitting!
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.