*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
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Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.