Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
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*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
absolutely not
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now