I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
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Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
i smell a pulitzer
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.