To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
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As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
yeah not falling for this one
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.