When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
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I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I enjoy a good short stor
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.