Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
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I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
so this horse walks into a bar