1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
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[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
don’t be scared
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?