Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
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Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
when u get so high u forget u ordered food