We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
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why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.