My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
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“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
School be like
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.