Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
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[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
the council will decide your fate
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.