I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
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Teamwork makes the dream work.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy