[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
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*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.