The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
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Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
British websites use biscuits.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?