Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
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Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
he was correct
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
We’re all getting idioter.