Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
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Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
CUTE CAT‼︎
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”