Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
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This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?