Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Cats (2019)
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.