[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
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let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.