If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
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Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
time machine? you mean a clock?
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
reviewed some movies recently
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL