The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
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I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
absolute chaos
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET