Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
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Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”