After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
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I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice