A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
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I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me: