me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.