Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
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You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Would you wear it?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.