I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
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Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Never let them know your next move 😂
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?