My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
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My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Risking my life for fun.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
No, YOUR illiterate.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.