I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
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Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this