HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
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Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.