Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
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I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Have kids, they said
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
uh oh
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.