If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
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Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Single and childfree like Jesus
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.