I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
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Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.